Rescued from the brink of obscure irrelevance, Madonna’s latest foray is into the world of children’s clothing. The Material Girl (1) line of clothing is set to hit shelves exclusively at Macy’s stores on August 3rd. Some may be thrilled and some may be puzzled and some may just shrug and walk away but Madonna’s new kid’s clothing line, Material Girl, is wrong for all kinds of reasons.

Madonna’s Never Been a Fashion Designer: While Madonna may have broken trends in her career and made a lot of noise in her heyday, it was always in someone else’s designs. Madonna’s not a clothing designer.

Madonna’s Look Not for Tweens: In looking over some of the early press (2) shots of these Madonna Material Girl designs, I could imagine some uptight Tween in a high-waisted pant with a throw over coat and Molly Ringwald flower pin. At the same time the chain belt, bustier halter top, and sleeveless, no-collar leather vest with all the zippers would definitely make grandma go “oh no!”

Madonna’s Past: Madonna has a past. Some of us are able to run from our past, some of us are able to hide from our past. Madonna’s very well documented past is going to only count strikes against her Material Girl clothing line’s success.

Madonna’s Advertising – the Cross Again: Gossip Girl’s Taylor Momsen is in the first advertising for Material Girl (3) and guess what? Religion’s already an implicit part of the program. Taylor Momsen is dressed in boots, stockings, striped tight pressed skirt, with tousled hair and some innocuous piece of black fur draped across her torso but in her right hand she’s holding a tiny cross. I thought there was separation of Church & Macy’s?

If Successful Madonna’s Daughter Could Become Madonna II: The last thing we need is to give little Lourdes any more of an, ahem…Madonna complex. Still, if the Material Girl line of clothes is successful, just you watch as Lourdes ascends the stairs to Heaven. Life is a mystery, isn’t it?

Madonna’s No Longer Relevant: What does Madonna have to gain with this Material Girl line of clothes? She’s probably feeling a little listless since coming down to earth. But this line of clothing has nothing to do with anyone besides Madonna and her daughter.

Madonna Isn’t Hip: Madonna’s Material Girl line of clothes looks like it was pulled out of 1984. If we’re not advancing the species, we’re killing the species. It would seem that if Madonna had any regard for the future of humanity, she’d stop this clothing line before it starts.

Madonna Who: Getting back to the advancing of the species, the kids these days don’t’ care about Madonna. If this were Gwen Stefani’s line of clothing or more to the point, Lady Gaga, then there would be some reason for the kids to get excited. But I think sales will be lackluster at best.

What is a Material Girl: We’re in a recession; it’s not the 1980’s anymore. That material girl thing went away as soon as Sally Struthers started coming into our homes on a daily basis; begging us to give a little. Material Girl is so 1980’s.

Madonna’s Never Been a Role Model: For all her bumping and grinding and expressing and tearing down walls and inspiring 20-somethings and above, Madonna’s just never been a role model for children.

Of course the parents of this age child right now likely grew up on Madonna so the Material Girl line of clothes could do really well. Until that takes place we’ll just have to wait and see.

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